Heartbreaking Decision

I have my father's terminal illness to thank for getting back to caravanning!  My stepmother didn't think she could cope so asked for help and so we all rallied round and took it in turns to help out.  Because stepmother couldn't tolerate my dogs I took a very old caravan which I parked in the orchard - and then took some breaks away in it too.  I am so glad I had my getaway. 

I agree. Respite care is needed here. Surely you can get away - probably no so much but certainly some?? 

The residential home my own mother spent her last days in also did respite care to enable relatives to have a much needed break from caring for loved ones.

 

There's also Crossroads; an organisation which is involved in respite care in the home.  Is there a branch in your area?

 

Respite care is definitely the answer. After a break away you will both feel more able to cope with the constant care your Mother needs, also although you are reasonably happy to look after her breaks will stop resentment creeping in in the future. You may well find that she comes to looking forward to her little breaks in a well chosen home. Wins all round and worth considering.

This is a hard place to be in but as others have said you need to look after yourselves as well, I assume you are, like us, not young.  Don't assume all care homes are bad, my mother has gone to live in one a short distance from us which is excellent if expensive.  She could no longer live alone and living with us was not an option.  Although she is happy there and does not wish to return home what she would like is to be young and fit, so we get moans about things that cannot be changed.  Older people can become selfish in their demands and difficult to live with - I would consider all options very carefully.  Best wishes.

We are not teenagers any more, both in our mid 60's. My mother is 94, and although registered blind, still has slight sight in one eye. We have to administer her medication and prepare her meals. She just manages to struggle around our home with a walking frame, and we had a stair lift fitted last week as she can't climb any steps. We use a wheelchair when taking her out. She is still very aware, not too demanding, but very stubborn and selfish, and we're finding it difficult, although we are starting to gradually mellow her a little.

 

Hi Jill. Yes, there is a Crossroads Care here. I've just found them  online. I will contact them for advice. Thanks very much.

 

Don't get rid of your van yet. Explore all options, make sure you get all the benefits and entitlements you can for your Mum, make sure you get as much help from GP's, district nurses, other health visitors that you can. Some GP's recognise how stressful caring is, and may be able to help you access respite services at a reasonable cost. Get onto the Care Quality Commission website and see what good quality care providers and respite centres there are in your area. 

If you don't use other agencies, your Mum and you will feel isolated, and frustrated. Little by little, you must make her accept help, be it someone just coming in an hour a week to start with. New faces, carefully checked out will offer her a change, someone new to talk to, and help you as well. If nothing else should an emergency arise and you cannot be there for her, you will be registered with a care provider.

Very old people, without meaning to be, become insular and almost selfish, can no longer see beyond their own needs, often refuse to recognise just how much help they really do need, and don't always recognise the health and mental toll that others are suffering. Very very few make the brave decision to go into a care home, or accept other forms of help, without social services intervening. You have to let go bit by bit, gently introduce some new faces and care, and try and build it up. Especially if you have no one to help you, you just cannot do it all. Care is seriously expensive, but if you can manage a break every three months then it will keep you sane. 

Very well said TDA it is much harder than people might imagine.  Last year trying to help my failing brother it was so hard to persuade him that his wife needed some respite but I think we got through to him.  

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