Funny one liners and sayings

I went on a once in a life time holiday, never again!

I've just found out I'm colour blind, the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

My wife uses my T-shirts & my sweaters, but if I use Her dresses-suddenly it's an issue.

always plan ahead-it wasn't raining when Noah started building the Ark.

My ex girl friend said she'd love me till hell froze - sure must have been a cold winter

just when you thought you had finished al the jobs on the list............she says can you !!!!!!!

The future's bright. The future's Orange. William & Mary 1688

After cartography he tried taxidermy, until one of his customers told him to get stuffed

Two cannibals on a desert island eating a clown, and one says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you'?

Do  you  ever  wake  up,  kiss  the  person  next  to  you  and  feel  glad  to  be  alive  ??

I  just  did  and,  apparently,  will  not  be  allowed  on  this  airline  again  ,,  ,,  ,,  ,,  ,,  ,, 

But the treatment really hurts. You'll have to steel yourself ...

In the bar at a Chemistry Conference, a pompous individual ordered an H2O. A fellow first-time participant, not wanting to show his innocence, decided to follow suit, and said 'I'll have an H2O too'.

The Coroner found that it was the peroxide that killed him ...