Funny one liners and sayings

I  did  a  theatrical  performance  about  puns.  It  was  a  play  on  words

Thinking a new direction was need he tried a cartography shop. Unfortunately the wheel fell off that one!

Having recently returned from Stratford upon Avon, I'm reminded of the American tourist who saw a play at the RSC and commented "I don't know why everyone goes on about Shakesspeare. It's just a lot of familiar sayings strung together"

Velcro  --  What  a  ripoff  !!

my wife says that I'm head of the household, and she is the neck that turns it!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.... with a bread knife.

An American tourist was walking past the Houses of Parliament when Big Ben struck the hour. He turned to his wife and said "Is that clock right?"

I  flunked  my  School  cert  in  politics  --  Lousy  Marx

I went on one of those naturist holidays - I was totally browned off.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.