Jokes No?

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a van full of terrapins - it was a turtle disaster.

Two old men sitting in a deckchair, one said to the other nice out, the other said yes but you better put it away there's a copper coming

Well you know this iceberg lettuce shortage? Garden centres are reporting that there is a shortage of lettuce seeds, is this the tip of the iceberg?

My dog kept chasing someone on a bike, soon stopped that ,I took his bike away...

As  the  coffin  was  being  lowered  into  the  ground  at  the  Traffic  Wardens  Funeral,  a  voice  from  inside  screams  :

"I'm  not  dead,  I'm  not  dead.  let  me  out !"

The  Vicar  smiles,  leans  forward,  sucking  air  through  his  teeth  and  mutters,

"Too  late  mate,  the  paperworks  already  done  !!"

An old couple were arguing as was their wont. After a while the talk turned to funerals. He said to her "Where would you like to buried?" She said to him "On top of thee "

Two thieves broke into a pharmacy and stole boxes of Viagra.

The police are looking for a couple of hardened criminals.

Grandma can you make a noise like a frog?

Why dear? replied  grandma.

Well dad says we'll go to Disneyland when you croak! 

(Sorry!,)

The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.